(Un)Happiness

(please ignore my stream of consciousness below)

Have you ever had this nagging feeling like you’re missing something? Or you keep putting band-aids over something and have for so long that you have forgotten what you’re hiding? I have, and I just figured out what it is. I am unhappy. I’m not unhappy with anyone except myself. That word does not define me so much as it is an expression of my feelings that I’ve been smothering for months.

Next to unhappiness in the dictionary, you definitely won’t find my name, but you will find a huge centerfold photo shoot next to the word planner. I love to plan. I enjoy the process of making plans. I feel comforted by having them. I feel comforted when other people have plans as well (especially if I make them). You know what goes hand-in-hand with planning? Worrying. I’m not a worldclass worry-wart but I really don’t appreciate change in plans. Even things as small as going to the bathroom at work and my usual stall is taken can throw me off my game. I actually have had conversations about how COURAGEOUS it is to not use the “usual” stall in a public restroom (readers: please don’t think I’m crazy).

I don’t live in the moment and that nags my troubles. I find myself so absorbed with the NEXT thing that I don’t have time to give myself to what needs me now. For example, today, I was looking at possible graduate programs and I got so overwhelmed with the timing of it (I promised I would sign a two-year lease, I want to be able to pay for it, what if my SO doesn’t want to be in the city I end up going to). None of these worries involve the here and now. Honestly, not even the problem does either, since I won’t be wanting to start until 2017 (probably).

I normally find myself to be a cheerful personality, but I am hardly CONTENT, and that knowledge is what eats at me when I have down time at work or when I’m alone right before I go to bed. I try to talk myself out of it, saying things like “it’ll be better next year” or “I’ll feel better once I lose 5 lbs”

So here are my goals from now until the end of the year (they were really my goals at the beginning of the year, but I slacked off just a little bit):
1. Be happy with my body
2. Read the Bible every day
3. Give God control & be content

Bam. There it is. Written on the internet forever. Now I can’t forget, right? I think I have a new word to focus on now as well: CONTENT bold, caps, underlined as many times as possible. That’s my word. My prayer. My focus.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?  -Luke 12:25

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you -1 Peter 5:7

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(Un)Happiness

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